Clown/Sabotage Demo _ R evolution Skatepark _ Broadstairs _ Deepest Darkest Kent

As every story starts - we left late (this time it was due to G riding all the way back from London on his toy motorbike) and got the Lee Scratch 'Perry' CD rocking. The time in the van flew by as we laughed or asses off at G's new "Gay Cowboy" look (in case you don't know G has a new 'image' every week, and yes you're right, he is a c**t) which consisted of a somewhat wispy George Michaelesque beard/moustache combo and a straw cowboy hat. Think of the village people in a particularly gay mood and you're not even half way there.

When we got to the park the place was rammed with every grubby little kid on the isle of Thanet and the skating was just warming up, as usual my skate reporting will be at best partial. Faces present included: Marky Brewster, Alan Rushbrooke, T Anthony, Parrothead, Greg Finch, Brian Jones, Brandon from SA, Stu from Romford, Dave Robinson, Si Skipp as well as Revolution various locals like Tim aka The Boy. Special mention to the ginger monkey Chris Oliver and Benny Fairfax who eventually managed to make an appearance after the demo finished. The skating was just getting going really when time was called on the demo and a product toss ensued, this was the usual carnage, some kid got hit in the eye with a board and there was even a couple of mums in there fighting for gear. Dave Robinson did a proper Whodini act by going home without telling anyone, people were still asking where he went late into the night.

The next session was a far more mellow affair and probably saw the best skating of the day (although you may disagree when you read on), the beer was flowing freely by now so it was well on the way to getting messy. Tricks I witnessed were:

Alan Rushbrooke - nice cabs and backside 360 ollies on the quarterpipe,

T - never seen him skate so much, nice ollie to 5-0 fakie up the 1/4 pipe extension and a few tasty bigspin disasters on the 1/4,

Tom - nice frontside tailslide hip transfer, big driveway kickflip.

Chris Oliver - nothing, because he's going in for a bit of knee surgery,

Greg Finch - big 360 flip the driveway, super smooth noseslide on the big driveway block.

Brandon - took more harsh slams than anyone, rolled in to the big flat bank on the Guitar with trucks on

Brian Jones - looked like he was about to fall asleep mid run, huge kickflip melons over anything in sight, b/s flip tailslide on the big driveway block

Benny Fairfax - didn't see much of him in action, ridiculous natural talent, nollie nosegrind on the big block.

Prawny - f/s lipslide on the big block, melon over the driveway to boozy over confidence hang on a slam hard to black hip.

The Boy - f/s boardslide handrails, indy hip transfers - one of which ended in catastrophe and a large elbow.

Like I said I didn't see every trick, I'm sure there was a lot of ill shit going down, all the kids seemed stoked, everyone had a good skate etc etc and then it was time to hit the town...........

Our evening started excellently as our eyes were greeted with the sight of a foxy young lady in a leopard skin patterned jump suit and then the owner of the chip shop started telling us how ugly his daughter was, Naylor asked if she had a moustache and then his wife came out and hit him. We had planned to go to Cramptons but ended in the nearest pub which was the Dolphin, our numbers were slightly diminished now, but spirits were high. On discovery of double scotch and cokes being a bargain at £1.80 each I knew I was in trouble. The dancing was offensive, women were tormented (I remember asking a group of middle aged ladies which one of them wanted to get lucky with me and informed them I was hung like a magpie, I also tried to convince the barmaid I was a gay pornstar) Benny puked up in the bog and was heard saying to the next bloke in "Some c**t's made a right fucking mess in there mate", I got the traditional pint of beer poured down my belly by Skipp, G kept up his gay cowboy look much to the amusement of the local folk , the DJ was harassed for playing shite music (he claimed to have no hip hop and was publicly shamed for this crime), Prawny got so dehydrated that his eyes went all fucked up and he had to down about 5 pints of water, Benny wanted some Yummy Mummy action, Brewster went rosy red as usual.

It was all over far too soon and the Mullet Doorman kicked us out, on the way up the street some guy shouted at me and Kev so we mouthed him back, next thing he's over wanting a fight coming out with classic lines like "come on mate, me 'n' you" and "do you want to know"etc etc, we were just mocking him because he was smaller than any of us and he wouldn't even shut up when we pointed out there was about ten of us and he was with 2 mates who seemed to want to have nothing to do with it. At one point the dialogue went like this:

Matey: "Come on mate let's take it down the beach for a bit of one on one"

Parrot: "what do you mean one on one you fool?"

Matey: "you know, one on one, it can only mean one thing"

Parrot: "Look mate I aint having sex with you if that's what you're on about"

Us: fits of laughter

Matey: Got even more irate and wanted to fight even more.

Around this time Andy Colgate turned up and herded everyone into the VW camper to find somewhere to sleep, me and Naylor headed back to the van for sleep. My night took a downturn when I developed a taste for chips, which I got and ate, on the way back to the van via the garage I developed serious stomach pains and decided a good shit was vital. I had to make do with whatever came to hand in this emergency scenario, this involved me sitting on someone's front garden fence and shitting into their garden before wiping up my ass with one of my socks (so if you live in Broadstairs and found a human turd and a skidmarked Vans sock in your front garden I greatly apologize). I then preceded to try to take a short cut back to the van resulting in me getting trapped in a garden in the pissing rain and being reduced to fits of laughter at my predicament.

Meanwhile back at the skatepark a drunken skate session had begun, I can only tell you what I heard and what I saw on Parrots footage: Brandon dropped straight in and slammed hard cutting his eye open, not moving again and falling asleep where he lay, he was then coned and fenced of for his own safety, Brewster fell asleep and was rolled into a 7ft 1/4 pipe, Benny skated better than most people can skate sober despite barely being able to stand, Parrot filmed all of this and then rolled around on the floor. I think they finished skating/dying at about 4 am.

Morning was not a pretty sight, for once I was one of the least injured and didn't even feel too ill, Rom Stu didn't fair so well and couldn't even come in the cafe due to vomiting. On the way home G did his usual falling asleep routing. Our journey time was doubled when we ran into a Cats Eyes amnesty area, we didn't want to had in our bag of cats eyes (even though we were promised immunity from prosecution) so we had to cut back through Canterbury. Oh and Naylor shouted "Go on mate, give it some" to an old man digging a trench, which for some reason I found hilarious. Respect to the usual Revolution crew and all present. Laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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